[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???