Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The Compass
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips