*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
this has to be peak English
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
That 👊
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.