wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind