Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*