Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
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I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.