Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.