@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.