Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
stop
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else