dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
What about a To-Don’t List?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”