ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
he chose this
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows