If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
They grow up so quick
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.