I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
What a website
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer