would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
You Might Also Like
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
he chose this
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*