The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
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They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
HERE’S MARKY
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.