My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I can’t stop watching this.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *