Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please