My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet