I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close