Whisper out to librarians!
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I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.