To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
🙄😏😂🤣
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco