Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”