Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.