Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.