I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.