“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
When ur friends with white people
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.