<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
selena gomez
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.