houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
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People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Selfie
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer