I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
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Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Please do it!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.