2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
yall want some gasoline milk
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire