A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Hell yeah 👍
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now