If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Good morning, Twitter x
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo