[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.