Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Get in loser we’re going crying