Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell