I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
You Might Also Like
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
damn he’s good
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.