dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Word!
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”