Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot