I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”