Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card