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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —