*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
You Might Also Like
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Thursday
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”