I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
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HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.