JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
hmmm
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home