Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.