That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
🙂🐾
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁