cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit