some cats are just doing for fun!
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.