If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?