Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.